No sign of Lee Westwood on Phil Mickelson Channel

I have been in the United States for a week and I had a feeling yesterday morning that I was sent back to the UK to do something special.
You see, God allowed me to sneak home from Las Vegas moments before the Icelandic volcano blew. Why did I make it back? Was I supposed to invade the leaders’ debate in Manchester, perhaps, demanding better grass at Wembley?
Sated with the knowledge by yesterday afternoon that I am neither special nor chosen, just lucky, I stayed at home. But I’d like to share some observations from the other side of the pond, a letter from America, if you will.
Sadly I didn’t see the BBC coverage of the Masters, I watched the Golf Channel in the US, or the Mickelson Channel, as I rechristened it. But we should all feel lucky we have the BBC, Sky, ITV, Five or whatever other channel you choose to view your sport in this country.
As I watched the Golf Channel, I asked myself, ‘Is this bad or just different?’ Then I realised it was neither, it was just biased. “I didn’t realise golf was so tribal,” my sister said as I became more vocally enraged at the lack of Lee Westwood coverage.
“It isn’t normally,” I said. We were in her home and I got the feeling that this was the first time golf had been on her TV. At the very least I expected to see live every tee shot by the leader, Westwood. But, at one point it appeared that the director only showed Westwood because occasionally he walked into shot when they were focusing on Phil Mickelson.
I saw Mickelson’s recovery shot on the 13th a grand total of 20 times. I know it was good but come on, guys, swap one of those replays for one look at Ian Poulter. With the exception of toilet breaks and lunch, I watched the whole day and didn’t see Poulter once. Don’t tell him, he’d be gutted.
Midway through the final round, they did a “get to know the player” feature on Westwood. An image of him popped up and we were told about this man who “grew up in Worksop, England, and still has a farm there, which he has made a putting green on”. And that was it. Time to get back to Mickelson.
Was I emotional because my heart was breaking for Westwood as another major slipped away or because I was not watching the final round at Augusta at all; I was watching a History Channel biopic of Phil Mickelson.
Such is the power of editorial content that it was some time late on Monday afternoon when I realised that I didn’t dislike Mickelson at all. Mickelson was the antidote for a section of the American public to the embarrassment and shame heaped on them by Tiger Woods, but he didn’t ask to be that. His victory was confirmation for all God-fearing folk that good always triumphs over evil.
Sport on American TV is not interested in being international or unbiased, it’s all about unashamed American dominance. I know we are a tiny island in comparison, but the fact that we do allow ourselves to enjoy events we don’t always win makes us all richer sports voyeurs.
That one of the Champions League semi-finals will be shown free to air without a British team taking place is proof and it’s a match that should still bring in five million viewers on ITV.
However, there is something we need to embrace. Having watched a few hours of “countdown to the NFL draft” shows, I am working on a Premier League “draft”. This is taking time so in the short term we need to incorporate a “watching day”, a bit like an open day when a house is being sold. Prospective buyers view a player jumping, running, catching, throwing, all of it filmed or shown live depending on how exciting a prospect the player is. Then five experts give opinions as to how that player has performed.
If you are going to get hundreds of thousands of pounds a week, it’s the least you should expect. While we’re at it, can we have all mysterious “late fitness tests” and “medicals” filmed, too? I have asked many a player to explain late fitness tests and get varying responses from “a wiggle of the knee” to “running 50 metres”. Show it live and end the mystery.
One more thing: Chad Ochocinco, the Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver, who is on Dancing with the Stars. Ochocinco changed his surname legally from Johnson to reflect the “85” he wears on his shirt. Can you imagine Ryan Giggs becoming Ryan Unouno? Mr 85 has more charisma than your average chat-show host and is built like a Greek God. If you can think of a Premier League player who’d come close, please let me know and I’ll pass it on to the Strictly Come Dancing production staff.